The Beginner’s Guide to Investing Your Life Savings in Cryptocurrency
10.03.2018

During the December cryptocurrency peak, the lamestream media leapt on the cryptocurrency bandwagon. Now that it’s a bit bumpy, some fake-newsers are jumping back off, crying that it can be a little risky to day-trade hyper-volatile, unregulated, uninsured cryptocurrencies of a type that have never existed before on Earth. To those naysayers, we here at BREAKER roll our eyes and say, “Whatever, Dad…”

As many totally unbiased cryptocurrency sites will tell you, you don’t need expertise in the underlying technology, some fancy business degree, or even trading experience. You just need a blog-post crash-course. As one such  “Trading 101: A Beginner’s Guide to Candlesticks” puts it, “That kid you know who’s now driving a Lambo because he traded something called dogecoin? He has more in common with Japanese rice traders from the 1700s than you might think.” All you need to day-trade your way into a Lambo is a crash-course in Japanese candlesticks, RSI, moving averages, exchange books, stochastic oscillators, and suchyou know, the basics. If you think that makes sense, you need BREAKER’s Beginner’s Guide to Investing your Life Savings in Cryptocurrency:

We break it down into five scenarios, based on your level of financial expertise:

1. IF you’re just one of those left-brained creative-types who never really liked math, and you see a classic Doji-pattern Japanese candlestick, it may signal a trend reversal and… THEN you should reverse back to a remedial adult-learning class, because math is important.

All you need to day-trade your way into a Lambo is a crash-course in Japanese candlesticks, RSI, moving averages, exchange books, stochastic oscillators, and suchyou know, the basics.

2. IF the only chart you’ve ever read is astrological, and you see a shooting-star candlestick sustaining during a full-moon… THEN do not risk your kids’ college fund based on this shooting star, or any other.

3. IF you’re looking for a quick way to pay off that six-figure jazz MFA and the short-duration charts indicate the odds are stacked in favor of a downside… THEN do not sign up for a YouTube crypto-trading crash-course but do remember that, no matter how much people hate jazz normally, everybody loves it at a wedding, and wedding bands pay pretty well.

4. IF you just paid off that credit card bill by working overtime, and then you see a crypto chart is showing a rising channel transitioning to a falling channel… THEN don’t buy the dip because you’re likely the dip: Count your blessings or count calories but do not count on ill-informed cryptocurrency swaps to make you rich.

5. IF you barely understand blockchain but you’re a professional trader who’s set up a nice Ichimoku Cloud graf to monitor crypto-finance market patterns… THEN you, of all people, should really know better than to risk your life savings in cryptocurrency.

Did we forget anything? Nope. If you’re an absolute beginner who is thinking about trading more money than you are prepared to lose based on this (or any) blog post, any more information could be dangerous.