How to Track Crypto Prices Using Dragons, Racetracks, and Sex Toys

It’s nearly impossible to reach consensus on what the public can expect from the direction of cryptocurrency markets. The only thing most everyone can agree that it is volatile. One month it’s to the moon, the next month market watchers are calling for bitcoin to drop below $1,000.

People usually use classic financial jargon like “bear” and “bull” to describe what’s going on here. Currently, we’re in a bear market, as most cryptocurrency prices continue on a downward trend. Bitcoin’s price plunged from over $17,000 in January to around $6,000 today, ethereum’s down to around $200 from over $1,000 at the start of the year, and dogecoin, which experienced a little price surge recently, is on its way back down.

Sometimes it doesn’t feel quite right to use typical financial terminology to describe this atypical market. Which is perhaps why people are creating wonderfully weird, alternative ways to track cryptocurrency market swings:

In “prestige” points: the skill level of your unique, custom dragon

Like CryptoKitties before them (and CryptoPets, CryptoPuppies, CryptoBots, etc.), EverDragons are unique “cryptocollectibles” that live on the Ethereum blockchain. Each corresponds to an ERC-721 token and an element (like earth, air, or fire). You can buy them, trade them, and race them, and they’re either kind of cute or totally hideous, depending on your taste.

The EverDragons creators recently came out with a new game, dubbed The Race. In the game, each dragon is tied to a different cryptocurrency’s market value through its “power source” number. Stay with me, here. A power source number of one, for example, would correspond to bitcoin because the cryptocurrency has the highest market cap. “Two” means a dragon runs on the value of ether, “three” on XRP, and so on. EverDragons is connected directly to through a service that can gather the site’s data in close to real time.

With all cryptocurrencies’ prices headed downward, who wins the game? It’s a little unclear, since it would depend on the time frame and what’s happening in the market that day, and EverDragon’s team was unavailable for comment. But basically, it’s whichever dragon’s “power source” value increases the most or decreases the least, so it’s all relative. And that’s something important to remember as you watch the price of the altcoin you threw $2,000 in several months ago plummet.

A fiery EverDragon with a bitcoin power source. (photo from EverDragons website)

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In bumps on the track: how fast your tiny, virtual racecar can “ride the highs and lows”

While EverDragons lets you be the market value (through your dragon), car racing game Crypto Rider lets you drive around on it.

Crypto Rider’s ten tracks each correspond to different aspects of the cryptocurrency market. One, for example, includes an impressive dip that marks bitcoin’s price fall from over $19,000 to nearly $6,000, while another represents a valuation gap where players can “drag race.” Players can also unlock new cars with different cryptocurrency themes, like Ethereum, Neo, or Monero.

“I came up with the idea for the game when I was looking through price charts in early January,” SuperFly Games’ Daniel Fahey, Crypto Rider’s creator, told BREAKER in an email. “The game was a side project for me to do in my spare time and helped keep my spirits high when the crypto market took a big hit in January. When the game was released, the feedback I got was great. I posted the game on [Reddit’s] r/Bitcoin and it blew up.” (Active users appear to have dropped off since then.)

Games like Crypto Rider, though, may help keep your spirits high while cryptocurrency prices get low.

A bitcoin price racetrack with some crypto-themed cars. (photo from Crypto Riders website) 

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In vibrations: the intensity of your orgasm

“Now you can literally get fucked by the price of bitcoin,” read a Motherboard headline back in December 2017. That’s when the price of bitcoin was on its way up, and a sex toy that rewarded users with vibrations tied to bitcoin’s price increases sounded, if not like a good idea, at least potentially rewarding. Today, using CamSoda’s Bitcast, a “cryptocurrency sex toy powered by bitcoin”—or Ethereum or Litecoin, depending on your (sexual?) preferences—might just be depressing.

On CamSoda’s website, you can watch the prices of bitcoin, ether, and Litecoin fluctuate in real time with a handy tracker (here’s one for bitcoin). That tracker indicates how intensely the connected sex toy will vibrate. According to Motherboard, CamSoda’s platform can connect to toys ranging from butt plugs to prostrate massagers, all from the internet-connected toy brand Lovesense.

An exciting day to use a vibrator connected to the price of bitcoin. (photo from CamSoda website)

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The minimal vibrations provoked by the current market might not be too stimulating to users’ sex lives. And if you’re losing a lot of money, you may not be in the mood, anyway.