Warren Buffet, visiting his grandson’s dorm room Monday morning following his anti-bitcoin comments to CNBC, took a deep inhale from a water pipe known affectionately as Billy Bong Thornton and realized that all forms of currency are a shared fiction.
Withdrawing a dollar bill from his scuffed wallet, the 88-year-old investing legend waved it around, his eyes rapidly turning red. “I mean, look at this, bro! It’s just paper! And . . . woah . . . the eye thing is staring BACK AT ME.”
Buffet then fell into a reflective silence, gazing at the intricate imagery of the U.S. currency for roughly an hour before shaking his head abruptly and continuing.
“I mean, sure, it’s easy to see when it’s something like bitcoin, right? It’s just a bunch of nerds playing pretend and then BAM! It’s worth twenty grand. That shit cray.”
Buffet has been critical of bitcoin in the past, calling the magical internet money “probably rat poison squared” during the deflation of a 2017 bubble.
“I mean, yeah, bitcoin has no unique value,” Buffet mused, as his descendant’s three suitemates sat nearby waiting for the strange elderly man to leave. “But neither do the bits in your bank’s computer system! HAHAHAHAHA WOAH!”
“Did you know people used to make money out of bones and sticks? Like sticks from TREES, man.” Buffet chuckled softly to himself, carefully tapping a light dusting of hash into a split Swisher. “Heh, trees. Get it?”
“And it gets even WEIRDER!” Buffet finally continued, taking a deep drag from the meticulously crafted spliff. “There’s this island in like, Hawaii where they make money out of giant rocks, so big you can’t even move it! What terrible money! They just leave it in one place and remember who it belongs to. Somebody accidentally dropped one into the ocean and they still use it to trade, even though it’s under a hundred feet of water!”
“Talk about no inherent value, am I right?”
Despite his acceptance that all forms of currency are abstract symbols, connected to economic value only through an intricate latticework of social consensus and coercion, the Berkshire Hathaway founder did say that blockchain, the technology underlying cryptocurrency, is “important.”
“Y’all want Taco Bell?” the world’s most renowned investor summed up. “I could really go for a chalupa.”
Photo illustration by BREAKERMAG. In case you haven’t realized, the preceding is a parody. We are unsure of Mr. Buffet’s feelings with regard to marijuana.